Want to improve your relationships?

One simple but highly effective way to improve relationships - regardless of whether its your love relationship, relationship with children or siblings, or business relationships is to practise being a good listener.

Talking is easy, but listening is so much harder. 

We put a lot of emphasis on talking: mastering – our language, tone etc.  And if you aren’t confident about speaking in public, we even have public speaking classes and groups. 

Yet we don’t tend to have the same emphasis on listening.  It’s almost an assumption that if you can hear, you can listen.  Have you heard of a listening class?  Or anyone billed as a keynote listener? 

Being a good listener is invaluable – in fact, being good listener can have a huge positive effect on your life. 

Good listeners are often deemed to be really good communicators.  Why?  Because listening is about hearing what is actually being said – not only the words, but the tone and the body language.  It’s about being present in the conversation.  No winding thoughts about what to get at the supermarket later on. 

A good listener also hears the emotions behind the words.  In paying attention, the listener is validating or acknowledging the talker.  A good listener isn’t using that time to ‘mentally construct’ their next statement or a defensive response. 

So are you a good listener?  

One way to find out is to get your friends, family or work colleagues – people you communicate with regularly and who you know will answer honestly to respond "yes" or "no" to the following 10 questions. Do not answer the questions yourself.

1. During the past two weeks, can you recall an incident where you thought I was not listening to you?

2. When you are talking to me, do you feel relaxed at least 90% of the time?

3. When you are talking to me, do I maintain eye contact with you most of the time?

4. Do I get defensive when you tell me things with which I disagree?

5. When talking to me, do I often ask questions to clarify what you are saying?

6. In a conversation, do I sometimes overreact to information?

7. Do I ever jump in and finish what you are saying?

8. Do I often change my opinion after talking something over with you?

9. When you are trying to communicate something to me, do I often do too much of the talking?

10. When you are talking to me, do I often play with a pen, fiddle with my mobile, play with my hair or do something else at the same time? 

Scoring:

An outstanding listener would have achieved the following 1 = NO, 2 = YES, 3 = YES, 4 = NO, 5 = YES, 6 = NO, 7 = NO, 8 = YES, 9 = NO, 1- = NO.

If you received 9-10 correct answers = be proud – you are an outstanding listener,

If you received 7-8 correct answers = doing really well – you’re a good listener,

If you received 5-6 correct answers = you possess average listening skills; and

Less than 5 correct answers = what can I say?